There is this enormous amazing plantation house behind my house. It is one of the oldest houses in Asheville, definitely the oldest in my neighbourhood. I know that it fronted the street that’s two away what my house fronts. Meaning my house and everything else around were this house’s yard. Anyway when I moved in this crazy old couple who’d lived there for 60 years lived there. The house has so much shit in the yard it looks like a shitstore. Mainly this is one of the things that charms me about my neighbourhood: that this ramshackle Miss Havesham house can exist next to a pristine renovated bungalow.

Tragedy struck when these people upped and moved to Mississippi, and left their daughter and her husband in charge of cleaning up the place and readying it for sale. So far this husband has stolen the weedwhacker or bike out of every shed(one in broad daylight with the people at home. The cops came for that one) within a block radius (including mine), has run down a neighbour’s mailbox (drunk, wasted!, at 9:00am)and has tried to drop a cinderblock on the head of his own dogs (3 pitbulls that roam loose).

Now all this was only an annoyance until I started noticing that this guy has no teeth and meth questions enter my mind. I asked Christy, the resident Meth expert and described a smell that I smell in the mornings. She said without irony that it sounds more like they’re cooking crack.

So as if that wasn’t enough to keep me awake for the rest of my life, a new sister has joined the fray. She is by trade a herion addict prostitute in Manhattan, and she moved in with an entourage of the sketchiest characters in the world. Oh and on top of everything, the mom died so the dad is obviously a dead man walking ( I think they’ve been married 65 years) and a neighbour who’s a realtor looked at the house, said she couldn’t see it for the smell and that their current realtor is dropping them.

Anyway my low level of constant panic has reached a top level of palpable panic.

Also, my dog really is sick and refuses to get less sick. We’re on the second round of anti-biotics, and now probiotics (shouldn’t they cancel out?) she can only eat rice and chicken, and has to be given meds three times a day.

Also, some friend of my brother's from childhood has surfaced with his own pile of shit issues and since his own family is no longer returning his calls my mother has found her way onto his radar. Since she’s dumb and helpful she went and picked him up from a bar last nite and took him to her house. After my head exploded I went and got him and took him to a motel. Anyway I sense that it’s just beginning with this asshole.

Anyway, house for sale. Super cute! Awesome neighbourhood. Just one little thing about the neighbours….